Dear diary, it has been a long time since I once again entrusted you to share my thoughts with you. Normally I write it digitally directly on my website, I thought I'd do it old-fashioned again.
How do I feel? That was a question that everyone used to ask me and I didn't have an answer or didn't want to give it. But how do I feel? That's a very good question, let me be honest. I don't feel good. This time of year is always emotional and difficult. We celebrated your birthday less than six days ago. You would have turned sixty-two. I can't believe it's been four years, your last birthday, your last smile, your last love.
I am sad, you can pick up my emotions everywhere. It's hard to understand, I would have loved to have you with me. Embrace you, never let go. As I get older, I only realize what it's like when you have to miss someone. Everyone around you radiates happiness. When you see children walking by with their mother, when you look around you and you slowly realize that life just goes on.
I try to think back to the past, to the good times, slowly everything fades away, as if you never existed, as if you are just a memory. You dissolve more and more often, soon you will only be a little ashes, powder from a flower or a drop from the rain shower.
I miss you so very much, I really wonder what I've been doing for the past four years, why is it suddenly so difficult. Why do I suddenly miss you even more than before. It would only get easier with the years or was that sometimes a lie. It just feels heavier in my opinion.
I get the shivers when I think of you Mom, I remember you every year. I'm laying flowers that your commemorative balloon sailed in in September 2017. The tree with the heart carved in it, especially for you. On your birthday I laid out four flowers, four roses, for the four wonderful wonders you brought into the world. I visited you with Ilja, he would have loved to meet you, get to know you for who you really were. Together with theo we have been with you, with New Year's Eve, commemoration of all the beautiful things we were allowed to experience with you.
How proud you would be of us! How we have grown as children, how close we have become, how we have each built a future for ourselves, how we work on a better version of ourselves. How you taught us to keep our feet on the ground. How we start to look more and more like you mom, how hard it is to go through life without you.
Mom, I want to thank you, thank you for the good times, you put us on this angry new world with so much love, you did everything you could to keep us together and you never gave up on us. Mom, we miss you so much, we love you so much, it's indescribable. How can we do without you?
x sleep well
Posted on: 01-07-2021