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Dear Diary,

Published on 14 May 2020 at 23:00

The realization that life does not always last forever, that realization is difficult to understand sometimes. I have found myself in a situation in which I have to deal with my mother on a daily basis, only it is not my mother, but my father-in-law. My mother of course had an alcoholic problem, besides that she had, without this being diagnosed, some more disorders. And my father-in-law, who is staying with us because of his own mess, behaves exactly like my mother.

It made my mother different, I was of course the black sheep of the family. But I knew the least of the four kids how to deal with it.

Day in and day out I am currently dealing with a second version of my mother. How do you deal with these disorders as a healthy person, how do you make it easier or more difficult for yourself. I notice that I am slowly threatening to go under myself. My relationship with my mother was never really normal, of course. I hardly had a relationship with my mother. My past knows no love. I grew up in a different situation than most kids my age. Most of them have received a lot of love from both parents, otherwise they have just experienced riots, going against your parents. You know it .. the ordinary, the ordinary upbringing that people know in the present day. My past is a bit more complicated and love, I didn't know that. Perhaps that has also been a reason for me to be so open and to help someone who apparently needed it badly. But when I think back now, I know I made a big mistake. And that big mistake, I have to fix myself because I agreed to it. People behave differently than they really are, you regularly visit someone and you think to yourself: Yes, pretty normal, isn't it? But when it really becomes reality and you are saddled with this person every day, only then do you really get to know someone. Only then do you get to know someone, only then do you know what someone is really like, what makes them who they are today. And sometimes this is a good thing but in my life it always goes wrong.

Recently I have been thinking about my own life, about everything that I have been able to experience in the past 25 years at a rotten speed. When I think back and look at baby pictures or hear stories from my father, I can hardly believe it. Because if I'm being very honest everything up to the age of about 12 years I just can't remember. I only remember the time when things got worse for me, after which my mother put me out of the house. And spent many years in an institution where I never belonged. From this point I can remember everything. Before that, no it must have happened. Sure, but that's really all. As I got older I started hating myself for who I was, for what I was doing and for who I was becoming. My parents were divorced, my mother hated me and my sister had already left home. Suddenly I had everything on my shoulders. All the shit, all the trouble, it all came down to me all at once. When I look back at the past I sometimes really think, what if.. but the what if questions mean nothing, it is the way it is. And you can't change that. So there's really no point in looking back. What happened happened. And it actually is.

More than 2 years ago I went to a psychologist and I threw out everything that was bothering me. Because about 2 years ago I was in a deep trough. Then I had a relationship with my ex boyfriend Jarno Breukel. He was from Beesd and he made me believe I was the only one for him. But did I know that from the moment he had me he also just cheated with a girl from his shooting club. No, I wasn't allowed to find out until we were on vacation in Italy and we were walking around in Venice. When I just had something with him I already had a gut feeling that it was not right. I pointed this out to him several times and he thought I was a jealous bitch and I shouldn't be so jealous and just trust his word. And he didn't really do anything in the direction that I could trust him, it just got weirder. The worst thing for me was that he just said to my face that I was a strange girl and that I had to get help about my problem. past and should have me admitted. From that moment on I kept a little more distance. From that moment on I was in a black hole, I no longer knew what to do with it, I didn't trust myself either, I was afraid that I might do something to myself. With my past, the death of my mother and then also this on top of it, everything was on my shoulders. I then wrote a suicide note and sent it to my sister. I just didn't know anymore, I knew I needed help to get over this. To process my mother and everything she's dragged me through, everything she's done to me. For everyone who has had so much dust in their eyes and didn't dare face the truth about my mother but knew very well what my mother was like, what problems she had and how she lied to everyone. I couldn't take it anymore, my sister then helped me to slowly climb out of the valley I was in. Help was called in and I started working on myself, on my improvement, how do I work on myself, how did I love myself again, how did I climb back up and love life again. Looking back now, I want to thank my sister for this. Without her, I wouldn't be here now. Without my sister I would have dropped everything and when I couldn't take it anymore I would have died almost 2 years ago.

Thanks to her help, the psychologists and psychiatrists, I've come to love myself, to work on myself, to grow in the positive, to see my own mistakes over the past years, to see the people I've hurt myself. I realized that life is not supposed to be perfect, as long as you love yourself, believe in yourself and know that there is a solution for everything, maybe not an easy one but there will always be a way out. I have been in treatment for over 1 year, I have talked about my fears, about my problems, about my mistakes and my insecurities. And I started working on this, every week at least 2 or 3 visits to the specialists, I stopped drinking, I took the problems for what they were and tried to develop myself in this at the same time. Because it is not always the other person, there was so much with myself that I had to process, I had to heal to let myself grow again. I was in so much pain, I was in so much grief, I had so many wounds, scars. And now it was enough, it was time for a clean sheet. I still carry my past with me, I have learned many things. I learned at a young age to live for myself, how to cook, how to wash, I learned that before I even turned 10 years old. Life is not easy if it is not given to you. God had a different destiny for me when I was young. If it were up to my mother, she would have preferred that I had never existed. The words are still clear to me. The same year she passed away, I was told that she drank so much during my pregnancy because she hoped she would miscarry, she never wanted me and I was not her daughter. She wasn't my mother, she didn't love me. And that moment, I knew. I didn't belong here, she's a mother, but not to me. When I had to deal with this at the specialist, it was difficult because I was sad that she had passed away, but it didn't feel like I had lost my mother, she gave me too much pain for that. That I am now positive in life is quite a miracle, to this I owe my prayers to God, to this I owe the love of my sister, sister and brother, my family who was there for me anyway Even though I felt like I was further away, I owe my dear fiancé to this. Since I met him in the city last year, I have become myself, I could be myself from that moment on. That made me stronger than I already was, I only developed myself more positively. Even if you're already in the deepest valley, there's always the brightest star there to pull myself back out into the person I am today.

Dealing with a person who is the same in many ways as my mother was is difficult, I thought I had left everything behind when my mother passed away less than 3 years ago. And now it's all coming back. Now that I know how to deal with it, it actually makes it even more difficult. Because this makes me think again if I couldn't have done more for my mother. The disorders, the drinking, the little food, the mood swings, it's all there. Only this time it's not my mother. My mother had two to four different personalities, she really lived in her own little world. She did not know this earth on which we all live. Sometimes it's not enough, sometimes we're not enough. And yet, despite everything, I continue to help. Reaching out again to people who don't even deserve it. And just keep going, effacing myself and the others. Keep fighting for that little bit of better life that we all long for, the happiness, the life, the family, everything you actually do it for, that slowly falls away. You let yourself be belittled, you let yourself be mocked, you let yourself be laughed at, you let yourself be destroyed without even realizing it. Deep down I know that this person is beyond help, just as my mother was beyond help. Broken is broken, people don't want help if they haven't wanted it for years. This really isn't going to change because a narcissist or not, recognizing is one of the hardest things. Recognizing that people do still care about you, despite you destroying them completely, despite you finally smashing them into the ground, even then they are still there for you. And this, this I don't understand. If I didn't have it in me and sometimes I wish I didn't have it in me, I would have dropped you long ago. But you're not mine, not mine yet. You don't hurt me mentally like my mom did to me, you don't hurt me physically like my mom did to me. You hurt me because you hurt the people I care about, the man I love, you belittle them, you don't just hurt them physically and mentally, you demolish them, until they are nothing. And then they can deal with the pain they got from you, they can go and seek help because the relationship is no longer right, all those little things, those mean things, the mean statements, everything, small or big, it destroys them without you noticing. Just like my mother broke and destroyed me.

How is it possible that my life hits me so hard, how is it possible that after so many years I see my mistakes and do something with them. And so many people live around me and don't notice. How is it possible for this to come back? How am I supposed to help you now, I want to but on the other hand I don't want to either. I can't get out of bed anymore, I'm up, I'm tired. I don't sleep well, I have migraines, it's haunted, it destroys me and us. It's playing tricks on me, I want to help so badly, but I also want to live, I want to enjoy my life with my fiancé, we are at the beginning of our lives, we are blooming, enjoying each other, our future, our dreams and wishes. And now something is holding us back, because now children are expected to solve it. Hard as it is, it's your own shit shit, put on your suit, you gotta want it. And as we've heard and seen in recent years, you don't want it. I recognize my mother very much in this. My mom didn't stop, my mom kept going, drinking, drinking her problems away, thinking they don't exist, fooling people. But you know, it was my mother's death. Cancer is caused by the alcohol, by the bad food, the stress, the problems, but especially the alcohol, smoking etc. Cancer is not who you are, it is what it makes you. If you want a long and happy life with your children by your side, then stop this nonsense. Work on yourself, be brave and indicate that you have problems and that you really need the help. Because only then, do you have a chance at a life. In the way you're doing right now, you're just throwing it away and ruining it for yourself. And then I can tell you now, then you won't get very old. Sorry, but come on.

You hide, you may dare, but you hide under the person you have become today. And that is not a nice person, you destroy relationships. And then you also think that it is up to the other person and that the other person can also solve it for you. But it does not work like that. You have caused this, so it is not reasonable that you solve it yourself. Be a man, be a real father and solve it. I can say that now, but I'm afraid it won't happen. I don't think you'll accept the help, I honestly don't think you'll ever get out of it either. I just want to stay positive like everyone else thinks. But no, I'm realistic. This cannot be solved, there is no end to this. You and the people who love you are slowly going through this. Like you've already let me down on this one. One day, you start thinking and realize that you have lost everything and everyone. And you caused this yourself. If I sometimes stare out here, I'm staring at the man I love dearly. The man I'm with, recently turned twenty-one and grown so fast into such a mature person in one year, I don't think you even see it happening yourself. Because how you belittle and laugh at him every now and then is a shame. Because if you look closely, only then will you see how great he is. And I really hope you find out soon. Otherwise you will lose it. And getting it back is harder than you think.

Posted on: 14-05-2020

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