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Dear Diary,

Published on 2 December 2017 at 21:57

Dear diary, we are already in December. Time flies so fast. Why does time go so fast, it becomes clear every day that I am really all alone.. Mama, my dear mama is gone, she is no longer here.

I would trade my life with my mother's at any time of the day if I had the chance. So that my mom can come back, watch any grandchildren grow up, so she can be a grandma. And so that her parents can die earlier and they don't suddenly lose two children in quick succession. So bizarre, in fact, that my mother told her brother on June 21 that she was terminally ill and that doctors couldn't do anything for her anymore. Sorry ma'am, we have misdiagnosed you for five years and now everything has spread and we can't do anything for you anymore.

That's how simple it is for the doctors. Due to a mistake by the hospital and GP A. van Wijgerden, mom is no longer alive. Last Thursday I woke up at exactly 6:35 am. Thursday 30-11-2017, it was exactly two months ago that mom died. My brother, his girlfriend and I were late. My stepfather, older sister and sister were there when my mother breathed her last. We were half an hour late. But it really happened within five minutes. The 'home help' came to mom at 06:30 and noticed that her breathing was already slowing down. Everyone was woken up and called. And less than five minutes later, she was dead. I slept in a hotel in Zaltbommel. Unfortunately, I still remember it like it was yesterday. At seven in the morning I got a call from my brother. And I got the message that mom had passed away half an hour ago.

The realization slowly came to me, it still has to come to me. She's never coming back. The person who put you on earth, with whom you are connected. Which made you take the first steps in this angry new world. This person, your mom, just isn't there anymore. The connection is also slowly dropping. The connection no longer exists, it's over, this person, your mother who taught you everything, but forgot to learn how to live without her, has now disappeared from your life. How bizarre is that, your close bond has been broken. You feel empty and abandoned, you wonder where you are today and whether it still makes sense. Are you sure you want to go on alone, can you live without your mother? Do you want to live without her?

No, I don't want to live without my mother, I don't know if I still want this life. I have no idea what I'm doing all this for. Because what do we really learn on this earth, in this world, how many people you lose, that your parents go before the children, that illnesses are normal? I don't know anymore unfortunately. I hope my future will be bright, I wholeheartedly wish my mother to watch from above and still become a grandmother to a few small kids.

Something different, Tinder.. Now back in the Netherlands after Duarte and Samir in Lisbon and Paris. I need to stop meeting so quickly and start from somewhere. As my family often tells me, you have to love yourself first before you meet or meet someone. And by loving yourself, you will have to lose weight, otherwise you will never find anyone. Well, okay clear what you think about me..

I do know that I have to lose weight, I'm not retarded. But that my family still has to put in just as hard is silly. I'm really not suitable for Tinder actually, I'm really an old-fashioned auntie. I am looking for someone with whom you can really build a future, the old-fashioned: house, tree and animal. And every time I hope I meet him, but then you get another setback and you can forget about that. Most men on Tinder are out for sex, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm going into town with a colleague on 12-12! And on Monday I agree to my tattoos, which I will have done in Lisbon! for now good night followers.

Posted on: 02-12-2017

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