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Dear Diary,

Published on 23 November 2017 at 23:57

Dear Diary, I can't take anymore. I want to give up life. On the one hand I am satisfied with what I have now. But on the other hand, I can't anymore. I just don't want this life anymore. I am so deeply sad. I just can't go on like this. Somehow it just stops. And for some people sooner than expected.

I just can't bear the joy anymore. All I want to do is cry and never wake up in this nightmare again. It hurts, I want to scream it out. I want my mother back, but this is no longer possible. And that's why I don't want it anymore, I want to exchange with my mother, why is this not an option?

If I were to speak this out to anyone, I think they would have me admitted immediately. I was so damaged, experienced so much, didn't have a normal childhood, one custodial placement to another, so many alcoholic parents, why .. what do you do to your children, to give them such an upbringing.

Is there a way to turn off all my emotions? So that I don't have to feel anything anymore, no pain, no sadness, just have nothing. Or can I not become a different person, just overnight, be someone completely different? That all I have to do is blink my eyes and everything is different?

I don't dare to share my thoughts with someone else, I can't because it's too dangerous, what will people think of me? I just want to sleep very deeply and then never wake up like my mother did. Because Mom, I miss you and I want you back so bad.

I love you forever, sleep well.

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