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Dear Diary,

Published on 17 October 2017 at 23:00

So I didn't feel very well today. Nowadays I don't have a rhythm anymore, so before I even wake up and get up, it is almost time to eat or sleep again. Eventually I took a shower, because I was going to go to the printing office in Weert with my stepmother (bonus mother). I designed a flyer for her and we had to get it printed. We sat on a terrace for a while because we had to wait a while until the grouch of the printing company was finished printing our flyers. When she got back there, the lady really made a mess of it. But luckily we found our own solution, we are going to put them all in envelopes and then send them. For the next time we need 300 grams of paper.

When we arrived home, we had a delicious meal. Pita sandwiches with chicken and apricot or mango? Haha, I don't remember that anymore. In the meantime I had had a crazy 30 minute snapchat story with my younger sister. She also sent a video of her apartment, which is finished. It has become very beautiful, I think my sister and her boyfriend will be very happy here. They really deserve it. Her boyfriend, his great-grandmother, also passed away on October 8, 2017 after her intestines stopped working. And of course our mother passed away on September 30th and my younger sister has been standing next to my mother and taking care of her intensively since her return from Spain. She is still having a hard time with the holidays coming up. Then you will really notice what you missed.

It is just not yet comprehensible. I also think again and again that I can just drop by. And can talk to my mother for a moment, but when I want to call or text her, then I realize again that this will never be possible again. And in previous years at Christmas, we were always with my mom's parents, my older brother, his girlfriend, my older sister, younger sister and her boyfriend, with my mom and her husband. For the past two years, my older brother, his girlfriend, and my sister were gone because my mother's drinking made them lose contact with her. This Christmas will be different forever. My mother is gone and will never return.

That is why I have absolutely no appetite for the holidays. I know that there is also a father in the family besides my mother. And that my father and his wife will just celebrate Christmas too. And of course if they are going to celebrate something, I will participate very nicely. Like I do with everything these days. I put a smile on my face and it is 95 percent unintended. But I don't have to answer all those questions all the time like this. They see someone who is happy, but deep down I have a lot of grief. Sometimes I think about what life could have been like if I had been born into another family or had not lived in any institutions at all. Then I think that fake smile shouldn't have been necessary. Then I could have been genuinely happy. Now I am definitely not!

I hope I will hear soon about the application for a job, although it is in Groningen, but I cannot continue to live with my father, he says. So I have to find something and move. In the meantime I have written everything off me a bit. Now it is time to go to sleep, even with that enormous pain in my hand, when will that pass .. doctor says 4 to 8 weeks. That will take a while. Then sleep well!

Posted on: 17-10-2017

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