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Dear Diary,

Published on 16 October 2017 at 23:00

Today it is exactly seven years ago that my step-aunt died of lung cancer. She was really there as a mother figure to me and she always has been. She was my support and resource. Unfortunately, on September 16, 2010, she was diagnosed with lung cancer, already at an advanced stage. She absolutely did not want to start chemotherapy and mess. She wanted to make the most of it at home. So she also said to me and my younger sister: if this ever happens to you, enjoy life and your loved ones to the fullest and eventually give up.

That is exactly what she did. She was my stepfather's sister and was only fifty-four years old. I still miss her. The most difficult thing for me was that I had to tell her something on her deathbed that she apparently already knew afterwards. She knew I was terrified to talk about it at all. But she brought it up herself. She suddenly says: 'look at me girl, let's be honest. Has my husband touched you in places that shouldn't be? ' A tear rolls down my face as I look back to that night I was in bed, she comes to say goodnight and kiss my forehead and then goes downstairs to watch some more television.

Her husband is still upstairs in the bedroom, I have almost completely fallen asleep until the bedroom door opens softly and I hear him ask: "Are you asleep yet?" He has a flashlight in his hand that illuminates the dark room. He shines it in my direction and soon I close my eyes terrified and pretend I'm asleep.

In the hope that he will leave, it just won't happen. He slowly lowers my duvet. And all of a sudden he starts to gently stroke his hand over my legs, gently from the bottom to the top. Box-scared I lie in bed, frozen. I don't dare to say a word. I try to scream, but I notice that there is no sound or movement. I lie there, frozen in bed. He pulls up my nightgown. And my underpants down. And before I know it, he is suddenly on top of me. Still stiff, I can feel him double checking if I am asleep as I can feel the flashlight shining on my face.

It feels like hours have passed. It starts to touch my breasts and suddenly I feel icy hands near my vagina. He starts slowly and suddenly I feel him get up. My heart is now pounding in my throat. I'm still frozen in bed, hoping he'll leave. But it feels like 10 seconds, he climbs back into the bed and back on me. Now I even feel the warmth of his body hanging over me.

Suddenly I feel a tremendous pain down between my legs and he starts to move up and down, then he starts making a soft noise. It feels like hours, but suddenly I hear my aunt calling from downstairs: "Are you almost done with your shower?" My step-uncle is startled and shouts loudly, I am coming. Almost ready. I hear the door close again downstairs.

He slowly gets to his feet and shines again with the light in my face. Probably because he's afraid I might have woken up. He climbs off the bed, slides my underpants up and my nightie down, and gently walks out of the bedroom. I hear the tap run and then hear footsteps descend the stairs and the door opens and closes again.

And all I do is cry quietly, it hurts so much and I'm so scared. I don't even dare to move anymore. The next morning my step-uncle is already working. I see my bed and underwear covered in blood. I change everything neatly and make an excuse that I got my period and forgot to use protection. In the afternoon my mother comes to pick me up again. My step-aunt asks: is everything going well, you look tired. Are you ill? No I answer. Everything is fine. Until next time I keep calling!

After this terrible retrospect, I am now completely in tears and I tell her everything. And she responds in between: "I knew why did you never say anything, I went with you to file a report". To which I answer: "I didn't dare, I thought it was my fault because I didn't dare to do anything that night." To which my aunt replied, "remember one thing, it's not your fault and it never will be." She gives me a kiss and a hug and asks if I have shared it with others. To which I answer: "No, I don't dare. It's bad enough that I didn't dare to do anything". My aunt does indicate that in the future I would have to talk to someone about it.

I promise my aunt I will do this, I also promise her that I will always love her and don't blame her. It had now happened two years ago and I was only fourteen years old at the time. We now talk about much nicer things and I say goodbye to her, see you tomorrow dear aunt.

The next morning the phone rings around 4:30 PM; unfortunately we have some bad news for you. Your sister passed away this morning. My stepfather and mother tell us and I collapse. We decide to drive there and say goodbye and arrange everything about the funeral.

Present day:

This year I did not go to her grave, because Mommy just passed away sixteen days ago. And that is all a bit too much for me. In recent years I have been to her grave every year. It is also a small reminder that I have been carrying the secret with me for over nine years. I'm still terrified if someone touches me. I don't like it at all when someone hugs me, luckily I find out more and more that I just try to forget it, no matter how difficult this can sometimes be.

Sometimes I notice that when I have fun with people, especially boys, this can sometimes get in the way because I also get flashbacks. Until now, I have never done it with anyone, I just don't dare to go that far. This day is actually very double. It has a ghastly meaning, but also a very beautiful one.

Posted on: 16-10-2017

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